


How to Summon an Asshole 101

by termitequeen



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (oh my god they were roommates), (the i being roman and the demon being virgil), College AU, Demon Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Demon Deceit Sanders, Demon Summoning, I just love him, Original Female Character - Freeform, SPOILER:, Swearing, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, blood mention, demon!virgil, i accidentally summoned a demon au, idk how to tag (:, it’s a chicken, no beta we die like gender nonconforming goblins, religious content (but not really? it’s just some demons), roman and patton are roommates, shes a chicken, spoiler alert: roman is a dramatic bitch and i relate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-04-25 16:01:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22316572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/termitequeen/pseuds/termitequeen
Summary: “Roman hadn’t intended to summon a demon. No, it was just a matter of circumstances.So what if he’d drawn out the summoning circle?Maybe, he’d gotten offerings, and placed them around said circle.Sure, he had pricked his own finger as part of the ceremony.And maybe he’d recited the incantation that he’d been rehearsing for weeks.But, it was unintentional. (He wasn’t Remus.) It was method acting. He didn’t think the poorly-written script he’d been handed during his college drama club would have a real, working summance.(Which meant he’d definitely have to talk to Logan about the differences between realism and reality.)Obviously, the horned figure before him wouldn’t be so understanding of his situation. Not that Patton—his roommate—would be any better when he came home to a living room covered in blood and chalk.(And probably Roman’s body.)”Or, Roman summons a demon and things go downhill from there.
Relationships: (but that last one comes in later), Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 143
Kudos: 260





	1. “Method Acting”

**Author's Note:**

> this was in my google drive and has been since like 2018 so I decided I should just post it and see where it takes us 
> 
> I only have three and a half chapters written but I have the whole concept in my head still so i’ve got that going for me (:

Roman hadn’t intended to summon a demon. No, it was just a matter of circumstances. 

So what if he’d drawn out the summoning circle? 

Maybe, he’d gotten offerings, and placed them around said circle. 

Sure, he had pricked his own finger as part of the ceremony. 

And maybe he’d recited the incantation that he’d been rehearsing for weeks. 

But, it was unintentional. (He wasn’t _ Remus.) _ It was _ method acting. _He didn’t think the poorly-written script he’d been handed during his college drama club would have a real, working summance. 

_(Which meant he’d definitely have to talk to Logan_ _about the differences between realism and reality.)_

Obviously, the horned figure before him wouldn’t be so understanding of his situation. Not that Patton—his roommate—would be any better when he came home to a living room covered in blood and chalk. 

_ (And probably Roman’s body.) _

“Shit.” He mumbled when the creature turned to him finally, staring deep into his eyes. 

Roman swore the being could see into his soul. He almost felt the beast shiver before glancing around the room, only to turn back and glare at Roman.

“What do you want?” The creature’s voice echoed deeply through the apartment. 

Roman noticed that the voice faded as its form seemed to fall into a teenager. It dropped the horns and tail for dramatic eye bags and purple bangs. Its tattered rags sewed themselves into a patched hoodie and ripped jeans. If Roman hadn’t seen it appear out of nowhere, he would have assumed it was an just emo kid.

“Shit,” Roman repeated, ‘I—I… Fuck.”

“Can’t help you there, buddy.” The demon smirked. “Not my department. I can get Lust if you’d like?” He started to fade into the still-open portal.

“No, no, no!” Roman screeched before the demon vanished. “Wait.” He held an arm out, ignoring how it shook under the sudden seriousness of the situation. This was _ real. _“Um. I don’t need—You’re not… This was an accident.”

The demon glanced at him again. Roman noticed him doing that a lot, taking in its surroundings. It was probably different than hell here. _ Holy shit, there was a hell. _

(Roman was screwed.)

“How do you accidentally summon a demon?” A voice interrupted suddenly, and Roman realized he’d nearly forgotten about the situation at hand. _ He was starting to panic. _

“I was just reading lines—”

“And you just happened to draw out a near-perfect summoning circle, collect _ my _offerings, and—let me guess—stubbed a toe—” It gestured to the blood keeping his door open— “Everywhere?”

Roman sighed. “Look, I’m an actor—”

“Say no more, this happens _ all the time _ with actors.” The demon grinned, showing off its pointed teeth.

“Was that sarcasm?” Roman’s fear fell for a moment, as he stared down the disguised monster before him.

“Yeah,” The demon said, “I’m fluent.”

Roman shook it off, turning back to the demon with a sigh. “Look, what do I have to do to get rid of you? My roommate’s going to be home in like an hour and I have a lot of cleaning to do before he gets back.”

“Oh, you want to get rid of me?” The demon’s grin grew. “It looks like we’re at an impasse. You’re the one who summoned me. I was actually pretty busy.”

“I’m sorry.” Roman shook his head at the apology. “Let’s just get back to what we were doing.”

Almost on queue, the portal trapped below the demon’s feet disappeared, and the pair shared a look. Both not knowing where to go from there.

Shit seemed to be becoming Roman’s catchphrase (which he knew Patton would hate). 

The demon descended onto the chalk marks, staring at Roman for an explanation that he was still trying to come up with. 

Oh _lord_, an explanation… How was he going to explain this to Patton? _Oh yeah, I just summoned a demon, maybe it can stay with us? Help clean up and such._ _(Stay with them? No, Roman didn’t want that.) _

Would he even believe that? 

More importantly, would he help him get rid of Satan’s spawn?

“Calm down.” The demon breathed deeply, staring Roman down. “I can feel your panic from here.”

“Wait—” Roman turned back to the demon— “You can _ feel _panic?”

“_Anxiety_.” It corrected, gesturing to itself like ‘Anxiety’ was a title. (Roman decided the pseudonym fit for now.)

“This really _ was _an accident, wasn’t it?” Anxiety asked.

“What gave it away?” Roman copied Anxiety's sarcasm from earlier.

“Your complete incompetence was a bit of a red flag.”

“Yeah, I didn’t even know _ this_—” Roman gestured toward the mess—“was real.”

“Then why’d you do it?” Anxiety raised an eyebrow again, making itself comfortable in its spot.

“You can sit, you know?” Roman pointed to the couch to evade the question.

Anxiety pointed toward the chalk below it, “I’m like a vampire, you gotta invite me in. Or, in this case, give me an entrance.”

“Wait, are vampires real too?”

“Not the problem right now, are you letting me in or not?” 

Roman hesitated. If he knew one thing it was that you weren’t supposed to make deals with demons. Deals with demons lead to selling your soul. And Roman needed his soul. 

(If he still had time, he had plans to make things right with—_Zeus _ or _ God _ or _ Satan _ or—_whoever was in charge _ as soon as he’d handled this problem.) 

Besides that, what would happen if he did agree? Would he be stuck with this demon? 

_ Was this even a deal? _

“Um…” Roman thought it over. “Give me a second?”

Anxiety rolled its eyes, probably feeling Roman overthinking. But it didn’t comment as Roman ran into the kitchen, pulling out his phone. He pulled up his contacts and searched for _ Drama Turd_. 

It rang four times before Logan’s voice interrupted Roman’s panic. “Yes?” 

“Do you not understand fantasy at all?” Roman shouted. 

He was sure he heard Anxiety snort from the other room. He sent a glare and made sure to lower his voice to avoid the prying demon.

“What are you talking about, Roman?” The other line asked. 

“The demon thing?” When Logan didn’t respond he added: “My monologue!”

“What about it?” Logan drawled.

Roman sighed. “How much research did you put into that?”

“I take all my research seriously, so I spent an ample amount of time—”

“Because it _ works_, Logan!” Roman interrupted. 

“It… Works?” Logan seemed to be putting two and two together until he laughed quietly to himself. “Why thank you, Roman, I worked very hard on that. Finally, someone is taking my effort into consideration—”

“No!” Roman groaned. “I—I was… _ practicing, _ and I might have accidentally summoned a demon?”

There was a pause, long enough that Roman almost thought Logan had hung up. Until, suddenly, more laughter filled the other line.

“Really clever, Roman. We both know that’s impossible.” Logan snorted slightly to hide his snickering. “Demons aren’t… They aren’t _real!”_

“That’s what I thought, but you try telling that to the _ demon I summoned_,” Roman shouted, quickly quieting himself again. “Just get over here soon, _ Drama Turd. _ I know I sound crazy, but I don’t want to get murdered because of your stupid research.”

Knowing the insult alone would get Logan’s attention, Roman hung up. With a sigh, he decided to slip back into the living room. 

Anxiety sat on the floor in the center of its circle, eyes glowing a faint purple as it stared at Roman. 

“What’d your friend say?” It asked, pulling its sleeves into paws to feign innocence.

“He’ll be over soon, and we’ll figure out how to get you back to your business and me back to mine.”

“You mean summoning demons?” Anxiety smirked.

Roman groaned. “I don’t usually summon demons in my free time, actually.”

“What do you do then? Act?” Anxiety raised an eyebrow. “Are you even good?”

“Of course I’m—” A knock at the door interrupted him— “That was quick.”

Anxiety peeked around the corner as Roman went to answer the door, nearly forgetting the mess he’d created. That was until he saw Patton’s smiling face through the peephole.

“Roman, please let me in,” Patton called through the door as Roman stared. “I forgot my key.”

Roman peeped into the living room, debating. “If I let you out can you clean up while I keep him distracted?”

Anxiety shrugged, and that was good enough for Roman as he swept an entrance into the chalk, freeing the demon into his apartment. Worried more about Patton than the repercussions, he opened the door, hoping Anxiety would keep up his end of the deal. _ (No. Not a deal. Gravity Falls had taught Roman that you had to shake hands to make a deal.) _

“Hey, Pat.” Roman leaned in the doorway, blocking off Patton’s access to the apartment.

“Hi,” Patton greeted, “I got groceries.”

“Let me take those in for you.” Roman offered, closing the door on Patton as soon as he’d taken the bags.

“Roman?”

  
Ignoring his roommate, Roman ran into the living room, throwing the groceries into the kitchen on the way. Anxiety sat on the arm of the couch, the room completely clean.

“How did you…?” Roman heard the door click behind him.

“Turns out I had my key after all!” Patton called, joining them in the living room. “Oh, you have a friend over? Hi there, I don’t think we’ve met.”

"Roman!” Logan strolled into the apartment behind Patton. “How dare you insult my research?”

“Hey, Logan.” Roman sighed, gesturing to the couch. “Your research.”

Logan stared for a second, tilting his head. “What are you talking about? There’s nothing there.”

“What?” Roman turned. “Shit.”

“Language, Ro,” Patton warned.

“Look,” Logan sighed, “why did you ‘summon a demon?’”

Patton turned to him, shocked. “You did what?”

“I didn’t mean to!” Roman defended.

“Then what did you summon?” Patton asked.

“An asshole!” Roman threw his arms up dramatically. 

Almost on cue, a loud crash sounded from the kitchen and the apartment’s occupants all turned their heads toward the noise. Quiet swearing came from the same direction and the trio of men all raced to the next room.

Anxiety sat on a countertop, pretending to ignore the spilled groceries on the floor. 

When no one seemed to speak, it said: “That wasn’t me.”

Patton quickly went to clean the mess, but everyone else stayed frozen.

“Is that…?” Logan asked finally, staring down the teenage demon.

Ignoring the question, Roman turned to Anxiety. “Did you spill those to prove my point?”

“No.” Anxiety crossed its arms. “I said it wasn’t me.”

“You saying it, doesn’t make it true,” Roman argued, gesturing for Anxiety to help Patton.

“You’re the one that threw them…” The demon mumbled, doing as it was told. 

Roman honestly saw why the demon had chosen the teenage form. It worked well with its sarcasm and obvious lack of responsibility. Roman almost wondered if it had actually chosen for itself or not.

Leaving that thought for later, Roman sighed, turning back to Logan. 

“Yes,” He answered finally, “That’s… Yeah.”

“I don’t see it.” Logan looked over Anxiety.

“What’s there to see?” Roman raised an eyebrow. “You’ve never seen a demon. What are you using for reference? Supernatural?”

“_I’m _ relying on my research.” He moved toward Anxiety, reaching out to try to study his specimen closer. 

Anxiety hissed at Logan’s hand, disappearing. The suddenness shocked Logan enough to fall beside Patton, who seemed equally entranced.

“Do you believe me now?” Roman raised his arms dramatically.

“Shit,” Logan mumbled. 

Patton ignored his language for once, standing quickly.

Roman sighed. “Yeah, say that about a hundred more times, and you’ll be all caught up.”

Patton ran past Roman, looking for something. “Where did they go?”

Shockingly, Roman hadn’t worried about that. It could be anywhere. What even was its motive? For all they knew, Anxiety could’ve been set on world domination. And he’d let the demon out… _ It was all his fault. _

A flushing noise down the hall pulled Roman out of his panic. He turned from Patton to Logan, making sure he wasn’t the only one that heard it. The sound came once again and the trio rushed toward the bathroom.

When they arrived, Patton knocked on the door. “Hey, um—” He turned toward Roman, whispering— “What’s their name?”

“I… Didn’t ask?”

Patton gave him a pointed look that Roman knew meant he had to be more courteous to their guests. The familiar glare grounded Roman a little, despite its intent.

“What’s your name?” Patton asked the door softly.

“My name?” The demon asked, laughing bitterly behind the door at the too-easy question that Roman forgot about. “My name is Virgil.”

“Can I come in, Virgil?” 

Patton was answered with another flush, followed by more quiet cursing.

“Are you trying to flush yourself down the toilet?” Roman asked.

“What’s a toilet?”

“This is going to take a while.” Roman sighed. 

“Be nice.” Patton scolded, but Roman could tell his roommate thought he was right.

And he was. They sat at the door, Patton trying to coax Virgil out every so long, only greeted by more mysterious noises each time. After an hour of silence, Logan waved them off. Roman couldn’t believe that he was more stuck on his assistance in summoning the demon than the fact that demons were real.

Then again, Patton was more focused on making sure Virgil—the _ demon_—felt comfortable than the fact that his roommate had summoned him. Maybe everyone’s priorities were different when it came to demons appearing in apartments. 

Or maybe it was just the company Roman kept. Most people would be set on ridding themselves of the demon right away. _ Should Roman be? _

“Go to bed.” Patton shocked his roommate out of his thoughts with a gentle hand on his shoulder, and a soft smile. “I can handle this.”

Roman sighed, not willing to fight anymore. _ (Virgil was probably stealing his energy or something_.) 

“Be safe. Get to bed at some point.” Roman told him, and Patton nodded as Roman turned back to the unresponsive door. “Good night, Virgil. Be good for Patton.”

Something hit the door, the same response the demon had been giving for at least an hour. Roman figured that was the best they would get as he waved Patton off, heading to his room. Silently, as he tucked himself in, he hoped that when he woke up the next morning, this would all just be some weird dream.


	2. Patton Makes Pancakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gonna warn you here and now that my posting schedule is gonna be super inconsistent. like, chapters one and two right here and now and chapter three whenever i get around to rereading it. (:
> 
> the goal of this story is chaos and when i post will be a factor in that (i’m so sorry)

Patton woke up feeling chipper as usual. His alarm sang softly, preparing him for another exciting day. He sat up, planning breakfast in his head already. He knew that Roman had classes today, which meant they would be able to eat together so he had to make something perfect. Something spectacular! A true culinary masterpiece—depending on what they had in the fridge, of course. (He wasn’t sure how many groceries from the night before survived.)

Patton started toward the kitchen in thought, passing the still-locked bathroom door on the way. Maybe Virgil would like some food too. He didn’t know if demons ate like humans did. Maybe, with their human-like body, Virgil would like some breakfast, even just to try it.

With that in mind, Patton got to work on some pancakes as soon as he reached the kitchen. He figured since they were his favorite their spooky new friend would enjoy them too. (Logically, the best breakfast Patton knew how to make couldn’t fall flat.)

Mixing the ingredients in record time (only having to replace one egg in his recipe with a googled solution) he placed a pan on the burner. He’d only just started cooking the first flapjack when he heard shouts down the hall. 

Assuming his roommate and guest were awake, he set the pan aside as he bounced down the hall to greet them.

“Look, I really need to pee!” Roman stood in front of the bathroom door, glaring like if he stared hard enough, it would open by itself. 

(Patton knew that wouldn’t work, but maybe it helped Roman feel more in control of the situation?)

“Go outside!” Virgil growled back from inside. “That’s what you humans _ used to do _.”

“Morning!” Patton interrupted before the fight got worse. “How about Roman goes to my en suite, and I have a little chat with Verge?”

Roman stared at him for a second, sputtering dramatically. “You’re siding with it?”

“I’m not siding with _ anyone, _ I’m just resolving the argument.” Patton placed his hands on his hips, nodding towards his room. “Go on, Ro.” 

After a beat, Roman rolled his eyes dramatically, mumbling about nicknames and betrayal while obeying Patton’s orders.

Silence fell over the hallway again and Patton sighed, turning back to the bathroom.

“Hey, kiddo, can I come in?” Patton tapped the door gently. “It’s easier to talk when I can see you.”

Much to Patton’s surprise, the door slowly opened, revealing Virgil. 

They were covered by the shower curtain in a cape-like fashion. In their hand, they held Roman’s toothbrush as a pseudo-weapon. Their hair was disheveled as the rest of their appearance, making their confusion more noticeable under their weak glare.

“I’m older than you,” Virgil said through the crack in the door, shuffling in place from where Patton could see them.

“Hmm?” Patton tilted his head.

“You called me kiddo,” Virgil said, “but I’m way older than you.”

“It’s just a nickname.” Patton smiled. “I won’t use it if you don’t like it.”

“It’s fine.” They stuttered. “If you like it.”

“I do.” Patton nodded. “It fits you perfectly.”

Virgil shrugged, opening the door more. They let Patton in before moving back into the bathtub, where they’d seemingly set up camp. 

The room matched Virgil’s disorder. If Patton didn’t know better, he would have assumed a tornado had hit. Piles of unrolled toilet paper covered the floor, the cabinet’s contents were spewed everywhere, and any tube they’d owned—toothpaste, ointments, Roman’s hair treatments—were emptied in the toilet. 

Patton was reminded of when he used to dogsit and leave the pups alone for too long. Maybe Virgil just needed attention.

“What do you want?” Virgil stared at him, obviously flustered by Patton’s attention to their mess.

“Well, I’m here to talk about a truce.” Patton leaned on the sink behind him. “See, this room is a very important part of this apartment. We only have one shower—” he pointed to where Virgil was sitting— “and we can’t just go on without it.”

“Why not?” Virgil asked. “I doubt human civilization started with this _ shower _.”

“No, we didn’t,” Patton agreed, “But washing up is really important. It’s an innovation that helps us live longer.”

“How?” Virgil raised an eyebrow.

“Well, the world is filled with these yucky things called germs. And they can cause diseases. Without washing up, we’re more likely to get sick,” Patton said, “It’s also a part of our routine. It’s nice to get a shower when you’re feeling a little gross.”

“Could… Could I try?”

“If you want.” Patton signaled for them to move, gently taking the curtain from around their shoulders, and rehanging it. “That keeps the water from getting everywhere.” He explained as he twisted the tap. “Shower or bath?”

“Um, what’s the difference?” Virgil wrapped their arms around their hoodie awkwardly without their ‘protection.’

“A shower is where you stand and water falls on you,” Patton explained, “and a bath is where you soak in water, sitting down.”

“A bath, I guess.” Virgil hummed.

Patton set up the bath for them, explaining each step he took (even the_ very important _ addition of bubbles). “I’ll bring you a towel in a bit, okay?”

Virgil nodded, though they probably didn’t know what that meant. Patton accepted the nod, leaving his new friend to stare at the water as he went back to making breakfast. 

When he got to the kitchen again, Roman was sat at the table, eating a small stack of finished flapjacks. “Did you talk to it about stealing the bathroom?” He asked between mouthfuls.

Patton nodded, returning to the stove. “They’re taking a bath to understand its importance.”

“What?” Roman stared for a second—obviously confused.

“They didn’t understand why the bathroom was important,” Patton said, “So I taught them what a bath was. They’re taking one now to understand.”

“Oh.” Roman went back to his pancakes and silence fell over the pair. 

Patton kept his eyes on the stove as he went back to cooking, but he could practically hear Roman’s thoughts from across the kitchen. After living together for a year, the duo had gotten used to reading each other’s minds. (The normality of it almost made Patton forget their life-changing guest upstairs.)

“If you knock and are _ really _nice, they might let you get your things from in there,” Patton spoke Roman’s thoughts.

Almost on queue, Roman stood, rushing to the bathroom just like Patton knew he would. If anything, he was surprised Roman had waited for him to finish his sentence. He laughed to himself, as he went to finish off the remaining batter.

He always loved making pancakes. It always made the kitchen air smell sweet, which inevitably made the morning nicer. He had a theory that a good breakfast led to a good day. Not that he was bragging about his cooking ability. It was just good enough.

Perfect for pancakes, anyway.

Pouring the final flapjack into the pan, Patton grabbed himself a plate, ready for his own breakfast. 

Until he heard shouting upstairs. Again.

He sighed, moving the last pancake off the burner to solve (hopefully the last) problem between his roommate and their visitor.

“You’re not supposed to wear clothes.” Roman’s voice rang through the hallway as Patton joined the duo—grabbing a towel from the hall closet for Virgil on the way. 

The problem lied where Virgil sat—in the tub—fully clothed. That was when Patton realized he’d forgotten a step.

“That is not happening, sorry,” Virgil said pointedly, “you can’t always get what you want.”

“That’s not what I—God, I can’t believe that you—” Roman sputtered once again, turning to Patton in hopes of assistance.

“He’s washing himself and his clothes.” Patton supplied.

“Patton, don’t encourage him!” 

“I think you should do whatever makes you feel comfortable,” Patton told Virgil with a nod as he started collecting Roman’s things. “Even if it’s not what we’re used to. Right, Ro?” 

Roman went to complain again, but Patton handed off his toothbrush and moisturizers, shoving him out the door. 

“Have a nice bath, Virgil.” Patton waved, continuing to shove Roman to the half-bath to finish getting ready.

“What was that about?” Roman turned to his Patton dramatically. 

“We have to be nice,” Patton chided.

“He’s a demon, Patton!”

“Yes, he is,” Patton said, “But he’s a guest that _ you _invited. And we’re not going to just get rid of him, so, intentional or not, we are nice to our guests.” 

He started to turn out of the room, hoping Roman wouldn’t follow.

“Pat,” Roman sighed. “Just… Be careful. We don’t actually know what he’s capable of…”

“I’m always careful,” Patton assured, “now, get ready, you still have class today.” 

Roman rolled his eyes, mock-saluting. “Yes, sir.”

Patton copied the action with a smile, closing the door behind him.

Thinking about it as he headed back upstairs, Patton decided that Roman was obviously overreacting. 

They’d had house guests over before and Roman had been perfectly capable of being polite. But, now that he brought someone over (maybe a demonic presence that didn’t fully understand bathrooms yet, but _ someone _nonetheless), any ounce of the good host from before had vanished!

Maybe Patton should’ve reassured him more. Would that have helped?

Re-entering Virgil’s bathroom with a light knock—and permission to enter from his new friend—Patton put those thoughts aside for now. (He’d make sure to have a long talk with Roman later if only to help himself feel more confident.)

“I understand why you’re not supposed to wear clothes in the bath,” Virgil admitted, his dripping hoodie creating a puddle on the floor despite the towel around his shoulders.

“That’s fine!” Patton informed him, “I’ll go get you some dry clothes for you to change into. Sound good?”

Virgil shrugged, and Pat took that as an okay. 

“Be right back.” He said, slipping into his room to grab some comfortable clothing. It took him a minute to find something that would fit the skinnier teen, but eventually, he came across some old sweats and a pajama shirt that would do. 

“Here we go.” Patton set the sweats and a new, dry towel on the counter beside Virgil as he re-entered the bathroom. “Just set your wet clothes in the tub, and I’ll take care of them.” 

He turned to leave but quickly stopped to add: “Pop on downstairs whenever you’re ready for breakfast!”

Before Virgil could say anything else, Patton was gone. 

Reunited with his breakfast, he awaited his houseguest’s arrival. A few minutes later, Virgil appeared in the doorway.

“What’s breakfast?” He asked, shifting his weight. Somehow, without the hoodie, he looked even smaller. (Patton made sure not to comment.) 

Patton looked up, smiling. “Well, today it’s pancakes.” 

(Patton made to resist offering devilled eggs and instead offered the chair beside him.)

“What’s... pancakes?” Virgil took a seat hesitantly. 

“They’re the best,” Patton informed him, setting a single pancake on a plate for Virgil, who took it carefully. “And you can put butter or syrup, or both!”

“It’s… Food?”

Patton nodded, taking a bite himself to _ demon _strate. After staring for a minute, Virgil copied him.

“You’ve just adopted him, haven’t you?” Roman leaned in the doorway. Virgil glared his way but Patton patted his new friend’s hand, calming him down quickly.

“Yes, I have.” Patton smiled at his roommate, offering the seat on his other side.

Roman shook his head. “As much as I would _ love _to join you two, I have class.”

“Was that sarcasm?” Virgil asked, eyebrow raised.

“I’m fluent,” Roman replied as he turned out of the room. 

Virgil rolled his eyes and Patton couldn’t help but feel like he was missing something.

“Have fun,” Patton called before the apartment door slammed. He turned to their guest then, smiling. Virgil shrugged off the attention, keeping his own on his pancake that he seemed to be savoring.

“You can have another if you want, Kiddo.” Patton offered the small stack of remaining pancakes.

Virgil took a few, keeping his eyes on his plate. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Virgil sat for a minute, avoiding eye contact and slowly eating pancakes. Patton figured he was deep in thought until he turned to him quickly (and almost nervously).

“What’s your name?” He repeated Patton’s question from earlier. 

Honestly, Patton hadn’t realized he hadn’t introduced himself. _(Maybe Roman wasn’t the only bad host.)_

“Oh!” He said, “My name is Patton. It’s nice to officially meet you, Virgil.”

He held out a hand for Virgil to shake but Virgil shook his head. “You’re not supposed to shake hands with a demon.”

“You’re right, how silly of me.” Patton nodded, contemplating how he could properly introduce himself to his new friend. “Am I allowed to high five one?”

Patton held out his hand as an invitation. Virgil seemed to think about it before shrugging and, much to Patton’s surprise, giving the offered hand a satisfying slap.

If Roman had told Patton yesterday morning that he’d be sitting with a demon the next day, he would have called a therapist. But, now, at the kitchen table, it felt right to have Virgil there too.

Maybe, if Roman was okay with it, they could keep Virgil around a little longer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by the way, if you haven’t seen [the video](https://youtu.be/8OHucZvgtJg) the tub bit references, i’d highly recommend it


	3. Interview with a Demon (the Research Phase)

Logan was generally a polite person. He was known for offering his place in the checkout line to parents with impatient children clinging to their carts and giving his seat to old and pregnant people on the train. He would hold doors open, even when it made him late, and he rarely corrected people when they were wrong, even when it bothered him. 

However, he would be lying if he claimed he had the courtesy to wait before revisiting Roman’s apartment to further examine the demon. If he was being completely honest, he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t been planning on it since he’d left the night prior. 

On second thought, he should have probably told Roman that he would be coming over. 

On second thought, he should have sent his classmate at least a text before he’d started his car. 

He could have even mentioned it before he’d gotten out of his car and started toward the building. 

But manners weren’t on his mind as he marched toward the door and buzzed himself in. In fact, they only came to mind when he got a response through the small intercom. When the voice sounded familiar but not quite right. 

When he realized that Roman wasn’t home.

“Hello?” It was Roman’s roommate, of course. (The cute one that Logan avoided like the plague.)

“Um, yes. Hello.” Logan adjusted his tie, despite not being seen. 

He felt his cheeks flush under the sudden realization that Roman probably had classes. That he’d be stuck with Roman’s roommate for who knows how long—and maybe a demon if that hadn’t vanished overnight.

“This is Logan,” he said, “Roman’s aquantance. We briefly met yesterday evening?”

“Logan!” Roman’s roommate said.

“That guy from last night?” An additional voice joined. Logan suspected it was the demon he’d helped conjure—Virgil, his mind supplied as more of an afterthought. He couldn’t help but feel mildly relieved that his discovery was still contained in the apartment complex before him.

“Yeah,” Roman’s roommate said, “Come on up, Logan.”

When he started toward the apartment building’s elevator after being buzzed in, he noticed an obnoxious ‘out of order’ sign blocking the doors. He tried to remember if it was there the night before, which was really no help since he’d taken the stairs in his own frustration.

As he headed back toward the stairs, he couldn’t help but wonder if Virgil had something to do with the sign. 

It was silly, really. Logically, Virgil should have nothing to do with a sign most likely placed by maintenance but Virgil was an anomaly. 

For all Logan knew, his minor misfortune could be the demon’s doing.

Just what he needed: a demon that hated him.

“It’s fine. Just four flights of stairs...” Logan mumbled to himself as he passed the second-floor entrance. He was relieved that the building felt somewhat familiar from his two prior visits.

The first time wasn’t anything special. Or, not anything special he could recall. He’d been in the area and had been asked to deliver a script Roman had left behind. It was the first time they’d conversed outside of their limited debates during the drama class they shared. 

(They didn’t like to talk about it.)

The second was quite the opposite: the night before, when he’d been called to handle Roman’s mistake. 

Ironically, both trips were just as unplanned as his third journey to the Roman’s door.

He never thought he’d be visiting the apartment twice in one week—let alone willingly, and to examine a demon—but life was unpredictable, he supposed. Unless someone invented a way to predict said unpredictableness. 

After last night, Logan wished he could. Then he wouldn’t be back here again, at a familiar apartment door, avoiding the inevitable situation that he’d put himself in.

The door was open, so he stared into the hall, taking a deep breath before calling out a simple “Hello?” as he entered.

(He wondered if the door was always open or if it was just for him. Either way, he decided it was dangerous.)

Roman’s roommate slid into the hallway on cue. He wore an apron covered in flour and a smile. Logan tugged at his collar, trying to remain professional despite the heat coming to his cheeks from just the presence of Roman’s roommate.

“Logan, come on in!” The man said.

Closing the door behind him, Logan followed Roman’s roommate into the kitchen. 

Virgil sat on the same counter he’d claimed the night before, the only difference being his glare that was directed at Logan instead of Roman. 

Logan ignored him, taking in the mess around them instead. Roman’s roommate didn’t seem to mind the egg-covered ceiling or the half-cup of sugar coating the floor, however. 

“We made cookies,” Roman’s roommate said, clearing up Logan’s confusion

“I can see that.” He leaned on the doorway to feign casualness.

Roman’s roommate lit up. “They’re almost done if you wanted to try them.”

“Um,” Logan started, “I was actually here to talk to Virgil. To figure some things out.”

Virgil looked like he was about to vanish into the bathroom again. 

Roman’s roommate turned to him before he could though, a soft look on his face. “Would you be okay with that Virge?”

The demon shrugged. “Whatever.”

“Are you actually okay with it or just saying you’re okay with it?” Roman’s roommate asked, trying to lower his voice so Logan wouldn’t hear. (It was unsuccessful.)

The demon shrugged, and Roman’s roommate sighed. “Virgil…”

“It’s fine, Patton.”

Logan coughed, avoiding the demon’s glare his way when he remembered they weren’t alone. (He was starting to wonder how close these two had gotten after he’d left. It had only been one night, after all.)

Patton gave Virgil a look and the glare fell.

“What do you want to know?” The demon asked.

“Well...” Logan pulled out his phone for the list of questions he’d jotted down as they were waiting outside the bathroom the night before. “Would it be okay if I recorded this conversation?”

Virgil shrugged. “Go for it?” He didn’t seem to know what that meant.

“Thank you, Virgil.” Logan started to record on his phone. “How old are you?”

“Haven’t you done research on this? I’m millions of years old. I was here before you humans, I’ve seen your kind innovate and change and—”

“He didn’t know what baths were until this morning!” Patton added for him. 

Virgil’s face turned pink at this detail. “That doesn’t have anything to do with my age, Patt.”

“But it’s important information,” Patton defended, “Logan obviously needs to know as much as he can.”

Logan would’ve rolled his eyes but Patton sent him an encouraging smile to continue. 

“Your name is Virgil,” Logan said and the demon nodded. “Does that mean other demons have names?”

“I mean, yeah,” Virgil said, “We actually live pretty normal lives. A lot of demons these days live on earth. Some are better than others.”

“What do you mean?”

Virgil shrugged. “We’re just like you. Some of us are bad, some of us are good, some of us are neither. It all depends on who you’re talking to.”

“Well, what about you?” Logan asked, “What’s your nature?”

“My nature…?” Virgil repeated, leaning back on the counter. “I’m like... Chaotic neutral.”

Logan wasn’t sure whether or not to be worried about his answer. 

“That makes sense.” Patton nodded in agreement. 

“That’s because you’re chaotic good,” Virgil explained. 

Patton shrugged.

“And Roman’s chaotic evil,” Virgil smirked.

Patton lightly hit his arm. “Be nice.”

“Fine,” Virgil mumbled.

“If there are demons, are there angels?” Logan asked suddenly. Simple questions seemed to be forgotten when the idea came to his mind.  _ Was all the lore around some of the major religions in the world true? _

Virgil shifted, ignoring the concern Patton sent his way. “Well, considering most demons are fallen angels…” 

“Most?” Logan asked.

“Most.” Virgil nodded. “Angels are real assholes though.”

“Language,” Patton warned.

“Real jerks.” Virgil corrected himself and Patton patted his knee.

“If you think they’re—” Patton sent a warning look to Logan— “jerks… What do they think of you?”

“They kind of hate most of us demons,” Virgil said offhandedly, “No big deal, I don’t need to be in their elitist club or whatever.”

Logan prepared to ask another question when the oven timer went off. 

Virgil jumped at the noise too, dropping his cool demeanor with a loud gasp. He floated a few inches above the counter, looking at Patton for help.

“It’s just the timer, kiddo,” Patton assured him, turning it off. “It means the cookies are done.”

Logan noticed Virgil quickly calm down at Patton’s words, hopping off the counter. 

“Finally.” He went to pull the cookies out of the oven before Patton pulled him back.

“Careful!” He slipped oven mitts onto Virgil’s hands. Virgil raised an eyebrow at them but went to pull out the cookies with the protection, sending Logan a look to continue.

“Um.” Logan shifted his weight. “Is this—um—is this body yours?”

“Do you think I would’ve chosen this form?”

Logan rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, it does seem to fit your personality.” 

“I think it’s pretty dandy.” Patton passed each of his guests a cookie with a smile. “How about we take a little cookie break from this interview?”

Logan would be lying if he said the break wasn’t appreciated. (Maybe as much as the cookies were.) It helped him process the information as the trio sat in silence. 

It was a lot.

There was a Heaven. There was a Hell. Angels existed. Demons existed. And one was sitting before him, eating a cookie. 

Logan frowned. Virgil seemed so innocent, despite his watchful eyes peeking at Logan occasionally as Patton snuck himself another cookie. But he was a demon. The teenage exterior changed nothing.

Right?

There was no possible way that the small smile on his face was genuine. There was no way that the snicker he tried to hide when Patton cracked a cookie-related pun meant anything. He was a demon; synonymous with fiend, evil spirit, monster, brute and savage. 

Logan knew this. 

However, as Virgil’s attention strayed from the glares and sarcasm, that label seemed to fade. And, despite the definition of the word demon, Virgil didn’t seem to be evil incarnate.

“Are you a fallen angel?” Logan heard himself asking. 

Virgil nodded. “Not fallen.” He paused. “Technically, I chose to go.”

“So, what do you call yourselves, if not fallen angels?”

“Demons, usually,” Virgil said, rolling his eyes, only stopping when Patton gave him a soft look.

Logan ignored the reaction. “But, you’re technically an angel?”

Virgil shrugged again. “More or less.”

“So, you have the same…” Logan thought for a moment. “Abilities as an angel would have?”

“What do you mean?” Virgil asked as he floated.

“Like that.” Logan pointed and Virgil stopped, sinking back onto the counter. “Humans can’t do that.” 

“We could if we tried hard enough,” Patton argued, “Magicians do it all the time.”

“With tricks and technology, Patton,” Logan said. (He also pretended his stomach didn’t drop when Patton’s smile did.)

“A good magician never reveals their secrets,” Patton mumbled in his own defense.

“And neither does this one.” Virgil crossed his arms.

Logan sighed. He should have known he wouldn’t get much more out of the demon. It wasn’t like he’d chosen to be interviewed himself and Logan had already gotten more information than he’d expected.

“I think I’ve gotten all I need for now,” Logan said to Patton, before turning to the demon. “Thank you for cooperating, Virgil.”

Virgil shrugged, returning his attention to another cookie he’d somehow pocketed without Logan noticing. 

“No problem,” He mumbled, barely looking up as Logan headed back toward the door.

Cooperative wouldn’t be what Logan would call Virgil. Maybe he was right when he had called himself neutral. Logan would even go as far as unbiased—not  _ particularly _ challenging but not  _ cooperative. _

So, Logan decided, if he wanted more data, he would have to initiate further tests. Including, maybe, getting closer to the demon.


	4. Disney and Pizza

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my word count is at 8666 and I think that’s pretty fitting for this 
> 
> anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programing

As Roman’s professor concluded his long-winded lecture, Roman practically flew out of his seat. 

He _ had _ to get home. Whether that meant breaking a few laws or taking the stairs two at a time, he planned on saving his roommate from a violent death at all costs. 

With his mind on the rescue, he managed to make it back to the apartment in record time. (The usual 15 minute trip from campus to their building cut in half.)

“Patton?” He called as he unlocked the door, hoping his roommate wasn’t actually as dead as he’d imagined throughout the day.

What he didn’t expect as he opened the door was laughter coming from the living room and the smell faint smell of baked goods in the air. 

(Then again, knowing Patton, he _ should _have expected something like this. If anyone could play nice with an unfriendly demon, it would be him.)

“In here.” Patton’s voice came from the same direction as the laughter.

“Is he back?” Virgil asked. He sounded disappointed. Roman decided didn’t care. 

“Yes, he is.” Roman joined them, surprised to see Virgil seated on the coffee table in front of Patton.

They had a relaxed air about them until Roman had joined—Patton’s presence was calming in that way. Roman’s seemed to be the opposite. The room almost felt tense with the sudden shift. 

Virgil glared as Roman stopped in the doorway. Strain covered the once-quiet conversation before Patton pulled it back, creating a more awkward but tolerable tone.

“Welcome home,” he said. There was a pause before he added: “How were classes?”

“Long.” Roman took a seat near the door, keeping an eye on the exit. “What about you? What did you do today?”

“We had a lot of fun, we made cookies, and I taught Virgil how to work a washing machine,” Patton started.

“And your weird friend came over to ask some questions,” Virgil finished. He cleared his throat as Roman thought over who would visit. 

“Logan?” Roman asked finally.

Patton nodded. 

“Did he say anything?”

“Well… No, not really,” Patton said, “He’s just as confused as us, I think.”

Of course, Logan was just as confused as them. His ‘research’ only brought him to one conclusion: demons were real. Which surprisingly didn’t provide much information on how to get rid of the demon they’d accidentally summoned. So, unless Virgil felt like helping out, Logan’s efforts would be useless.

And, knowing the demon, that meant they were going to be stuck for a while.

“He’s smart for a mortal,” Virgil said, “But he has no idea what he’s doing.”

“Who does, really?” Roman sighed, rubbing his temples.

“A physic?” Patton offered.

“A vampire ” Virgil smirked. “Or maybe another demon. You want me to get Lust for you yet, Pretty Boy?”

“Pretty boy?” Roman raised an eyebrow.

Virgil shrugged. “A Satanist?” He redirected the conversation.

“To what?” Roman asked. “Worship you?” 

Virgil smirked. “If they wanted.”

“I mean, Remus might be into that if—”

“Maybe we could get a medium?” Patton interrupted quickly. 

Virgil held back a flinch at Patton’s outburst and instead leaned back on the coffee table. “I’d prefer a large.”

“Or an exorcist.” Roman stood. 

“_Seriously?” _ Virgil snorted but Roman noticed his eyes widened a little at the implication of being exorcised.

“We’re not exorcising Virgil!” Patton argued for him. 

Roman ignored them, pulling out his phone. “Siri, are there any exorcists near me?”

Patton pulled away his phone, repeating. “We are _not_ exorcising Virgil. There will be no exorcisms performed in this apartment!”

“Fine, fine.” Roman grumbled, moving to sit once again. “Can I have my phone back at least?

Patton stared at him for a second and Roman knew he wouldn’t be getting his phone back for the remainder of the evening. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Virgil smirking at the turn of events. Roman couldn’t believe his roommate had betrayed him like this.

“Don’t look so sad about it,” Patton sighed, “You need to know what you did wrong before you can have it back.”

“Let me guess. It’s rude to try to get rid of our guests in front of them?” Roman rolled his eyes.

“Well, yeah, but that’s not the point I was trying to make.” Patton said.

“That’s _ definitely _ not the point, doofus.” Virgil said.

“The point is for _ both of you _.” Patton scolded. “We should be nice to each other. Virgil might be here for a while, we might as well get along while he is.”

“Sorry, Pat.” The duo said in unison. Virgil glared as Roman shook off the feeling of having two voices.

“I’m not asking you to become best friends...” Patton started before the pair could start fighting again. “But getting along would help us a lot.”

“Alright, we can get along.” Roman sighed.

“Promise?” Patton held out a pinky, which Roman took.

“Promise.”

“What was that?” Virgil asked, staring at their hands, even as they let go.

“It’s called a pinky promise,” Patton explained.

“Why?”

“I don’t know, actually.” Patton thought about it.

“Back in the old days, they would cut off your pinky if you broke it.” Roman feigned the knowledge.

“That sounds right,” Patton agreed.

“You humans confuse me more and more every time I’m summoned…” Virgil mumbled.

“How many times _ have _you been summoned?” Roman leaned back in his seat.

“Too many to count.”

“What do you…” (Roman thought of how to phrase it.) “Do?”

“Anything.” Virgil shrugged. “Some of us demons have specific jobs and some of us are pretty versatile.”

“Like you?” Patton asked.

Virgil nodded. “I do whatever my summoner needs. Within reason. I do have myself to look after too.”

“So, like… If someone needed you to kill someone…” Roman trailed off.

“I wouldn’t.” Virgil finished for him. “I have principles, just like you.”

Roman felt a little more than relieved. “So you don’t plan on murdering me in my sleep?” 

“How could I? You barely slept last night worrying about that.”

Roman froze. “How do you know that?”

“I can feel anxiety, remember?” Virgil shrugged it off but Roman felt like there was another layer to his ability. He didn’t comment though as a wave of silence fell over the living room once again.

Until, finally, Patton spoke up. “We should celebrate.”

“Celebrate?” Roman asked.

“Yeah, you two are getting along,” Patton smiled, “That calls for a celebration, I think.”

“What kind of celebration?” Roman raised an eyebrow. “We can’t exactly parade around with an underage demon.”

“I’m definitely over-age.” Virgil argued. 

“Maybe mentally, but not physically,” Roman pointed out.

Virgil rolled his eyes. “This form is at least 18.”

“I highly doubt that. And either way, that’s not 21,” Roman said, “even if you were legally allowed to ‘celebrate,’ it’s not like you have an I.D.”

“Celebrating doesn’t need alcohol, Ro,” Patton laughed.

“Yeah, but it’s nice to have, especially in our situation.”

  
“How about we just pop in some of those party pizzas and watch a movie or something?” Patton ignored Roman’s comment as he started toward the kitchen. “You pick the movie, I get the food?”

“Fine, fine,” Roman agreed, albeit begrudgingly, “It’s going to be Disney, you know?”

“Of course I do,” Patton grinned, “I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.”

They shared a look before Patton slipped into the next room to make the pizzas. Roman kind of wondered if that would even work for Virgil but didn’t ask as he turned to their movie collection in thought. 

He rifled through the bunch, pulling out the Disney movies he came across and making a stack beside him for Patton to choose from. Today was leaning toward something more simple. A princess movie, perhaps? Those always calmed his nerves after particularly trying days. He wondered if the demon behind him would care. 

He seemed really quiet all the sudden. Roman tried not to focus too hard on it but his train of thought was already thrown off track. 

A pair of eyes lingered on the back of his neck as he stiffened in thought. Those eyes were trying to read him from behind, figure out what was going on. They burned through his head, making his thoughts spin out of control. 

_ Something is on his mind, _ Roman’s own supplied. _ So much so that he’s projecting anxieties instead of absorbing them. _

When he figured Virgil wasn’t going to voice his thoughts, he abruptly turned. “What?” He asked. 

This time, Virgil did flinch at the outburst, though he easily regained his composure. “I—um—y-you said the ‘movie’ would be ‘Disney?’” 

“Yeah, and?” Roman held back his offense. Of course a demon was going to judge him for his favorite franchises. 

Virgil shifted uncomfortably on the coffee table (and Roman _ did not _ feel bad about it.) “Just—Like—What is Disney?”

Wait. 

“Have you never seen a Disney movie?” Roman gasped. 

Virgil shook his head so quick it made Roman dizzy. 

Roman’s offense quickly turned into excitement. “In that case, we _ have _ to start with a classic! Now, _ Snow White _ may be a little too old fashioned… Of course, _ Sleeping Beauty _is a masterpiece—and Maleficent is the best villain—but we don’t want to come on too strong. Maybe we should stick with an old fan favorite.”

Roman turned back toward the dvds before finding the one he was searching for and turning back to Virgil (who was starting to look less uncomfortable and more confused.) “_ Cinderella _it is!”

“Cinderella?” Virgil repeated. “I’ve heard that story.”

“Yes, but you’ve never _ seen _the Disney version,” Roman pointed out. 

When Virgil didn’t argue that, Roman scooted toward the TV to set it up. They sat in relative silence as he did and—other than the intense stare still pestering the back of his neck—Roman almost forgot Virgil was there. 

Patton popped his head into the living room about a minute later, two pizzas in hand. He set each of them on the coffee table, slipping the extra plates he’d hidden under the pizzas out. 

“Piping hot pizza delivery,” he said with a grin. 

Virgil stared at their dinner for a minute, what Roman now knew as confusion hiding behind his eyes. 

Roman raised an eyebrow. “Don’t tell me you’ve never had pizza, Ann Sadcliffe.”

“My name isn’t—”

“It was a joke.” Roman waved him off. “Like Ann Radcliffe, the gothic writer?”

“While I love a good pun as much as the next guy—” (Patton ignored Roman’s mumbled: “More than the next guy.”) “Let’s try to be nice.”

Roman raised his hands in surrender. 

“Great,” Patton’s smile returned tenfold and he moved to sit on the couch. “So, what are we watching?”

Roman excitedly went into an explanation about how Virgil had never seen a Disney movie (“Really?” Patton gasped. Virgil shrugged it off.) and how—because of that—they would be going through the entire discography, starting with _ Cinderella _ and moving from there. When Patton talked him down from all, to three, the choice was a little harder. 

Of course, once they finished _ Cinderella, _ Patton insisted on letting Virgil choose one _ (Black Caldron) _ followed by Patton’s own pick (a classic _ Winnie the Pooh _that Roman couldn’t turn down). And so the night went, filled up on pizza and popcorn, Virgil almost felt like a normal part of their life. A human being.

When bedtime rolled around, Roman was shocked to see the demon already asleep. Patton didn’t seem too concerned about the normality of it, slipping a blanket over their guest and heading to bed. And after a few minutes of careful contemplation, Roman found himself doing the same. 

It was weird. He almost felt too normal now that the immediate threat was gone. But somehow he still felt some unease. Virgil was a demon. Demons were meant to be evil. 

On the nightstand, Patton had returned Roman’s phone, already plugged in to charge. He stared at the cracked screen (a product of Virgil’s arrival that he hadn’t been too concerned about) with worry in his gut. 

Patton might be gullible but Roman wouldn’t let himself fall for their tricks.


	5. Roman and Virgil and Dee (Oh My!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i started writing this i was 100% sure i wanted to include deceit. the biggest problem was how i wanted to include him, so i maybe combined my two favorite concepts into this mess of a chapter.
> 
> without further ado, enjoy!!

Patton had work the next morning which left Virgil alone with Roman until 5. It had only been two days since he’d been forced out of hell and into this (somewhat similar) situation but he already knew that today would be much different than his time with Patton. 

From the moment he woke up—around noon he would say, based on the sun (and the oven’s clock that still baffled him)—something felt… Off. He wasn’t sure what but the sudden relaxed air in the apartment told him it was wrong. And then, around 1:30, there was a knock on the door that just solidified that bad feeling. 

The knocking persisted for a minute with no answer until Roman sped down the hall, barely glancing into the living room as he passed. Virgil kept himself planted on the couch, curious but not _ that _curious. 

Maybe Roman was expecting company? 

Virgil really hoped that it wasn’t that smart friend of his; he wasn’t sure if he could answer more questions without Patton there. The other’s presence had been more comforting than he’d anticipated and, while Virgil really tried not to indulge in it, the longer Patton was gone, the more he wanted to.

“I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show up.” Roman’s voice carried into the living room. 

“Now Roman,” An unfamiliar voice soothed, “I wouldn’t want to miss out on all the fun.”

Roman scoffed. “Trust me, it hasn’t been fun.”

Virgil rolled his eyes at that. It was his fault Virgil was even here. He couldn’t exactly summon himself.

“Oh, I’m sure,” the stranger said. His voice was smooth like Vanity’s skin, with a touch of condescending. Virgil found it hard not to listen in. Somehow, he didn’t find himself minding either. 

“So, where is the entity?” The smooth-talker asked. 

“Right this way,” Roman said and suddenly he and the stranger were standing in the doorway to the living room. Roman stood firm. A little too firm. Forced, almost. Like he was expecting something to happen at any second. 

The man beside him had a hand on his hip, looking over the living room like it was a puzzle and he was missing the middle pieces. Half of his face was scarred—burns, if Virgil had to guess—and the other half was skeptical. His eyes were searching. Speculating. His gaze just barely lingered on Virgil, a small smirk coming to his lips as he seemingly pieced something together. As quick as that expression came, feigned confusion took over. 

“Where have you been feeling the most energy?” He asked, though he seemed to know his answer. 

“It’s not really energy,” Roman said, completely oblivious.

The other man raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure there’s a presence here?”

He was a pretty good actor. If Virgil didn’t feel waves of… Something coming off of him, he would have thought his questions were genuine.

Roman laughed. If he picked up anything, he didn’t show it. Maybe Roman was a better actor than Virgil thought? 

“Of course I’m sure,” Roman said, “This is the demon.”

Two heterochromatic eyes finally met Virgil’s and he held back a shudder at the strange feeling that came with it. Pushing back his anxieties and storing them for later could come in handy, anyway. 

“Sup?” Virgil saluted with two fingers. He wasn’t as good of an actor. No one mentioned this. 

Instead, the stranger turned to Roman with a huff. “Excuse me? I am a serious exorcist. I didn’t come here to get pranked by you and your friend here.”

“Oh.” Virgil’s unease drifted from the back of his mind and he felt the stranger and Roman flinch at the sudden wave of emotion. He quickly controlled it. “You actually hired an exorcist?”

Roman glared his way. Virgil took it as a yes. 

“Patton is totally gonna kill you,” Virgil said. 

Roman crossed the entryway, standing in front of the TV dramatically. “Not if you don’t tell him.”

Virgil raised an eyebrow. “You try to have me exorcised and expect me not to tell the person who told you not to have my exorcised?”

“Yes?” Roman’s voice raised an octave. 

Virgil sent him a flat look. 

“In my defense—” Roman tried. “You can’t just—I was thinking we—” He paused, his words floundering. “I don’t have a good excuse _ but _ you’re a demon, what else am I supposed to do?”

“Don’t you have a cultist brother?” Virgil asked. 

Roman opened his mouth to say something but seemed to think better of it as he turned back to their guest. “Look, are you gonna exorcise him or not?”

“I’m not sure I can,” the man said with a frown. “It’s not often we have such a… Strong manifestation.”

“Well, duh. That’s why I hired you.” Roman crossed his arms. 

The exorcist remained in the doorway, looking over the scene. “I suppose I could try some holy water and we can go from there.”

Virgil rolled his eyes. This guy was obviously talking out of his ass. Maybe that’s what the shifty behavior was? Did Roman even look into a proper exorcist? Knowing the moron, he probably just went with whoever was cheapest. It certainly seemed that way now, anyway. And, of course, the cheapest exorcist out there turned out to be a con man. (Virgil was starting to think he deserved to throw his money away on this guy.)

Roman didn’t seem to notice, though, nodding along to every word the liar said. 

The only useful information came at the end. “It’d be a lot easier if we knew who we were dealing with. Does he have a name?”

“He does,” Virgil answered, feeling defensive for being ignored. “But he’s also been told not to talk to strangers.”

The con man smirked at that, like he’d gotten exactly what he wanted. “D. T. Sands.” The man held out a hand. Virgil didn’t take it, D. T. Sands didn’t seem too hurt. “But please, call me Sands. All my friends do.”

“You have friends?” Virgil quipped. 

“More than you’d believe,” Sands’ smirk grew. “Now, I do believe that you’re the stranger in our situation now.”

Virgil glared harshly. 

Roman seemed fed up with his fighting, letting out a long groan. “His name is Virgil.”

Virgil hissed at Roman. Roman held up his hands defensively, like that could protect him from Virgil’s wrath. He was just about to attack when Sands clapped his hands loudly. 

“Well,” he said, “now that we’re better acquainted, I suppose we should start this exorcism.”

“Yes,” Roman agreed, “Let’s.”

“Roman, would you be a dear and fetch the holy water from my car?” Sands asked, handing Roman a set of keys and ushering him out the door. “It’s parked just outside. The yellow bug. You can’t miss it.”

Roman had barely agreed before the door was slammed, presumably in his face. Sands seemed to wait until Roman’s footsteps faded away, letting out a long sigh. 

Virgil instinctively tensed up when the exorcist’s footsteps drew near. 

“Oh calm down, Paranoia,” Sands waved away Virgil’s fears and quickly replaced them with another. He hadn’t given his real name to anyone in a long time. How the hell had Sands known?

Virgil stared at the stranger before him. The burnt side of the man’s face blurred into familiar scales. His tongue slittled—much like a snake’s. If the man were a few feet taller with a pair of horns, there’d be no mistaking his demonic appearance. 

A quiet, less concerned part of his brain wondered if he could do that. The rest of him froze in panic. 

“I would say proper introductions are in order, but I’d hope you recognize me,” The other’s slitted tongue said smoothly. 

Virgil wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be relieved or afraid because the one who stood before him was…

“Deceit?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tada!! he’s a demon con man and i love him so so much 
> 
> also i gave deceit the last name sands because i really didn’t want all of their last names to be sanders. however, i’ve decided that all of their middle names are thomas in this au. just because. (:
> 
> (let me know how you feel bc i crave validation)


	6. “Just Outside”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it bad that the worst part of writing this chapter was coming up with a title because like nine things end up happening and they’re mostly unrelated 
> 
> so... “just outside”

Roman wasn’t sure if Sands knew the definition of “just outside” because just as he’d stepped outside the complex, there was no yellow bug in sight. He was starting to think this was all a ploy for him to leave the apartment. Maybe a clever way to steal all of Roman’s things and run. 

Then again, Virgil was still there and while he might not like Roman, he had a certain softness for Patton. (Roman really hoped that softness was enough for Virgil to protect his belongings too. Or, at least, that Virgil wasn’t sure who’s belongings were whose and would protect Roman’s things out of respect.)

He really hoped Sands wasn’t lying. 

Before he could think too hard about it, he realized his phone was ringing. 

“The Evil Twin” flashed on his screen. He answered before even thinking about it. 

“Hey, Remus,” he said with a sigh. 

“Roman!” Remus’s voice cracked. “You don’t sound excited to hear from me.”

“Well, the last time you called me was to get me involved in your chicken fighting ring,” Roman said, starting to walk down the block in hopes of finding Sands’s car. “I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess this one is about bail?”

Remus cackled on the other line. “Oh, no. The cock business went bankrupt weeks ago. The only problem I’m having now is what to do with the eggs. Did you know they taste best when they’re fresh out of the cloaca?”

“Gross,” Roman said, “Did you need something? Other than a farm for your army of chickens.”

“Oh!” Remus exclaimed suddenly. “Yes! I did. Thank you for asking, Roman. You really are so considerate of me and my forgetfulness.”

Roman rolled his eyes, hoping that—even though Remus couldn’t see—his brother felt it through the phone. “Would you just spit it out? I’m on a very tight schedule right now.”

“I was just wondering if you wouldn’t mind me crashing at your place this weekend? Me and the boys have some gigs down the street and it’d be a lot easier if I wasn’t driving all the way home every night and—”

Roman didn’t have time to process the question when he spotted what was undoubtedly Sands’s car. It was a bright yellow—much like the shade of the strange gloves the man had been wearing—bug, older than any Roman had seen in person. He almost doubted his assumption when the key fit too perfectly in the slot to be a coincidence. 

“Yes!” He exclaimed to himself. 

He unlocked the car and Remus continued to ramble in his ear. “It’ll be perfect! And Sunshine won’t mind any, right? I know he doesn’t like me much and I figured you’d at least ask him first but I guess it’s your house your rules, righ—”

Roman set his phone in the front seat, Remus’s voice mumbling from the small speaker. Whatever Remus was talking about could wait. Roman has real priorities. 

He gathered a box marked ‘holy water’ with a skull and crossbones and anything else that looked remotely helpful. He huffed to himself as he turned back toward his apartment building. He could barely see his windows from here. 

“Right outside my ass,” he muttered to himself as he picked up his phone, setting it on top of the box. 

“What?” Remus asked on the other line and Roman had honestly forgotten he was calling his brother. 

“Look, Rem, I gotta go,” he said. He ignored whatever Remus had to say—probably something gross and/or inappropriate—in favor of turning back toward his apartment complex. 

Really, what was the use of sending Roman out to get Sands’s things? He hadn’t known where the car was, what to grab, how to handle it. It had taken him twenty minutes to even find where to go. (He really hoped he wasn’t being charged by the hour.)

Maybe Sands wanted to protect him? He’d dealt with demons before so it only made sense that he wouldn’t want to leave Roman alone with one. 

Wait. 

Alone? With a demon? 

Putting the pieces together, Roman took off in a sprint. He wasn’t even sure if he’d closed the car door before he’d left, box in hand. Its contents rattled as his shoes slapped the pavement. 

He figured it wouldn’t matter, he could just blame his own stupidity. Because he really was stupid. A whole idiot. Because Roman hadn’t realized that he’d left Mr. Sands alone. 

Unarmed. 

With a demon. 

“Mr. Sands?” Roman called through his door—and he _ really _ had to be panicking if he was already at the door—fumbling with his keys and the box that he somehow hadn’t abandoned. 

“You gotta be kidding me!” Virgil’s voice rang through the door. 

He sounded mad. Roman really fucked this up, hadn’t he? Of course Virgil was mad, Roman was trying to exorcise him. It definitely wasn’t a good idea to leave him alone with the exorcist. Who knew what otherworldly powers he possessed?

The last thing Roman expected when he finally got through the door was for Mr. Sands to be replaced by another man. A very similar, snakelike man holding a type-written note. 

“Unionizing?” Not-Sands read the notice again. “How in Satan’s name do they think they’re able to unionize?”

Looking over the scene a few more seconds, Roman pieced it together. Sands wasn’t an exorcist. Roman has brought another…

He made eye contact with Virgil for barely a second. He felt a wave of panic wash over him. The demon’s eyes widened and then… 

Everything went black. 

* * *

“Roman,” someone said. They sounded worried and tired and so many other things. Roman didn’t want to think about it. 

“Roman, I swear to Lucifer if you don’t wake up—”

Oh right. _ Demons. _

Roman shot up, bumping his head with Virgil’s in his hurry. Pain blossomed in his forehead like the garden Patton had planted on their balcony last spring—they got mostly weeds. The collision made a loud cracking sound and Roman almost wished his skull had fractured, just to get out of this situation. 

Of course, it didn’t and he had to deal with the now-annoyed looking demon rubbing his chin with a glare. 

“Next time, warn a guy,” Virgil grumbled. 

“It’s not my fault you were…” Roman’s words felt like cotton in his mouth. Instead of focusing on that, he gestured vaguely towards Virgil. “Hovering over me!”

“Sorry.” Virgil quickly scooted away. “I just—Sorry.”

Behind him, Demon-Sands looked unamused. Roman had nearly forgotten the reason he’d fainted. (He wasn’t sure if that was an overreaction.)

Roman was about to ask about a million questions when someone behind him beat him to it. 

“What’s going on?”

Roman whipped around—which really made his head spin. Wow, he should get that checked out. Had he hit his head in his fall?—to see Patton standing in the hallway behind him. If Roman were to come home to such a scene—himself splayed on the ground, Virgil not far away, and a half-snake stranger—he wasn’t sure what he’d think either. Knowing him, he’d probably call the cops or Remus. (He wasn’t sure which option was worse.)

“Roman tried to exorcise me,” Virgil answered before Roman could. 

Roman spun back toward the living room. Anything to avoid eye contact. Eye contact would end him. 

Patton wasn’t an intimidating guy. He stood about 5’4”—though a good inch of that was just curls. His face was freckled and cute and he had a small gap in between his two front teeth. He wore soft sweaters and khaki pants—and bunny slippers around the house. Whenever he saw a cat outside in the rain, he would go out of his way to sneak it into their apartment, despite his allergy and the strict ‘no pets’ policy. 

Roman knew all these things. Roman knew he had a good almost-foot on Patton. Roman knew that Patton was the most pacifistic person he’d ever met. 

And yet, when he finally turned around—the silence becoming too much to bare—to make eye contact with his roommate—his best friend—he knew two things that over rode everything else he knew about Patton. One: Virgil was basically Patton’s kid now. And two: Roman—no matter where he and Patton stood up until that point—had fucked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in one week? looks like i’ll have to go into hiding for a while before the next one


	7. Time Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a bit of a shorter chapter but it also features one of the longest paragraphs i’ve ever written so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

“So, basically, the portal is closed until the protests stop,” Virgil explained. He was seated criss-cross-applesauce on the coffee table across from Patton. He presented the information like it didn’t bother him—though, by the way he was fiddling with his hands, something did. 

Beside him the new demon, Deceit, stood with his arms crossed. Deceit seemed to catch onto Virgil’s anxieties the same way Patton had. Neither said anything directly. (Patton doubted it would help if they did.)

Roman sat in the corner, facing away from them in time out. Patton was debating grounding his roommate but he figured that wouldn’t get them anywhere. The timer in his back pocket ticked on, though he doubted Roman would leave the corner when it went off. 

“So, you can’t go back unless the portals are up?” Patton asked, feeling almost hopeful now that he knew Virgil would be staying with them. He tried not to let that slip into his question—based on the glance he got from Roman, it had. (Patton wasn’t very good at hiding happy emotions. He reserved his repression for the sad ones.)

“Yeah, I guess so.” Virgil didn’t seem to notice, too caught up in his own worries. 

Deceit let out a dramatic sigh. “The demons who run them are being ridiculous, so it could be a while.” He glanced at his gloved fingers like they were more interesting before his gaze shifted back to Patton. “I mean, seriously. There are people getting tortured down there and they’re gonna complain about overtime?”

Virgil snorted to himself, hiding it behind a cute little sweater paw. Deceit’s eyes barely swept over the other demon before he continued. 

“Demons these days,” he said, feigning disgust. “Why can’t they just run away from hell like we did back in my day? If you disagree with the system, drop out of it!”

“Like you did?” Virgil asked innocently. 

Deceit nodded, keeping his eyes on Virgil this time. “No.” His small smirk gave away the truth, though no one mentioned it. 

“So, um,” Patton felt like he was interrupting something—Deceit’s expression said he was, Virgil’s told him to continue. He wasn’t sure whose to respond to so he settled for Virgil’s. “You’re staying with us until they’re back up?”

“Um—I—Well...” Virgil shifted, fidgeting hands starting to pick at his skin. 

Patton was about to stop the anxious demon when Deceit took one of Virgil’s hands in his own. “Nonsense. He can move in with me until the situation is resolved.” He glanced at Roman out of the corner of his eye. “It’ll be easier for everyone involved.”

“Oh,” Patton said, trying to keep the disappointment out of his tone. (That was definitely easier—and so much harder at the same time.) “You’re probably right. You two are both demons, after all. You probably understand each other better.”

Virgil sent him a worried look after a brief glance at Roman—to be sure he couldn’t see it. “You can visit, probably? It’s not like I’ll have anything better to do.” He turned to Deceit, silently asking for permission. 

Deceit shrugged. “He can have you every other weekend. I don’t care. Let’s just get out of here before the actor orders a real exorcist.” Roman sent a glare that went mostly ignored by Deceit, who started slipping into the hallway. “Hurry up with your goodbyes. I _ don’t _ want you to leave your new friend on a good note.” 

The soft look Virgil sent the other demon told Patton that was a lie. When his gaze shifted to Patton, it stayed just as gentle. “So, um…”

“I guess this is goodbye,” Patton said. He felt himself tearing up, though none fell. (Not yet. He could hold off until Virgil was gone and Roman was in bed. He would wait all night if he had to.) 

“For now,” Virgil insisted, “Dee has Princey’s number. I’ll make sure he sends you the address and we can hang out before I go back home.”

Patton nodded. Virgil stood, Patton followed. They stared at each other for a minute, unsure of what to do. Patton wanted to go for a hug but he knew Virgil probably wouldn’t appreciate that. Their time together hadn’t been long but Patton still felt like their friendship was blooming—like the garden on his and Roman’s balcony, filled with beautiful dandelions, the same yellow as Deceit’s gloves. And while he tried to feel that in every new friend he met, Virgil’s garden felt different. More important, almost. And he didn’t want to ruin that by making his new friend uncomfortable with a premature hug. 

Virgil seemed to settle their collective internal debate by holding out his hand, much like Patton had done the other day. “High five?”

This time, there was no hesitation as Patton gave the hand a satisfying slap. The two shared a smile, as Deceit started to collect his things. 

“I’m gonna miss you, buddy,” Patton said with a sigh. 

“It’s not like you’ll be alone,” Virgil said, “Roman might decide to summon someone else soon.”

Roman squawked from the corner, turning around fully to gawk at Virgil’s audacity. “You accidentally summon one demon and it becomes a freaking character trait with you people!”

“Two, actually. If you count Dee.” Virgil sent him a smirk. 

Roman seemed to give up his argument, turning back into the corner to pout. 

“Yeah, I’ll miss you too, Roman,” Virgil said, trying to sound off-handed. 

Roman mimicked his words into the corner, seemingly ready to move on from the whole affair. 

Virgil seemed to take it as a good enough goodbye as Deceit called his name from the front door. With one last, long look at the apartment, his stare linguring on Roman and Patton longer than he’d admit, he slipped into the hallway. 

The only indication that the duo had left was the door closing behind them. 

Patton let out a long sigh as he sat back down on the couch, pushing his glasses onto his head to rub at his eyes until the tears gave up. He couldn’t cry in front of Roman, that’d just make him sad too. _ He had to hold it together for Roman. He had to hold it together for Roman. He had to— _

He felt Roman sit beside him, wrapping a careful arm around his shoulders. “It’s probably for the best that—”

A door opened upstairs and both of them froze. They shared a look, both trying to convey their thoughts without words. _ Maybe Virgil had forgotten something in the bathroom and teleported back to get it? _

Quiet cursing upstairs told them that wasn’t the case as Virgil appeared at the bottom of the staircase. He had a frustrated glint in his eyes, his hair rumpled by his fidgeting hands. 

Everyone was at a loss for words. Something was happening and they all seemed to be looking for what it was. Virgil was back, only a few minutes after they had said their goodbyes, and he obviously wasn’t too excited about it. 

After a minute or so of confused staring, Virgil relented a soft sigh. “So, either your building is broken, or I can’t leave your apartment.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m not super happy with how this one turned out but my method so far has been “post when you can’t fix it any more” so i’m just gonna go for it and maybe i’ll make a revised version of this story later? idk
> 
> let me know how you felt because i crave validation!!


	8. Remus Makes an Entrance!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there’s some intrusive thought moments in this here chapter so be careful!!
> 
> i kinda treated remus’s thoughts like adhd with a side of violence (because i have adhd and it’s easier to write characters like that) so most of his violent thoughts are in italics. idk if that helps?
> 
> let me know if you want me to put any specific warnings.

Remus wasn’t sure what he would have done if Roman hadn’t agreed to letting him crash at his place. Maybe he could have slept in his car? There was definitely some room and Penelope—his favorite chicken, currently sitting in the front seat beside him—didn’t mind it as much as you’d think. Of course, Remus was much taller than his back seat allowed and he knew Penelope was a bed hog from past experience so Roman’s couch was probably better in the long run. 

Parking outside Roman’s apartment complex, he assured himself that this was better—no matter how exciting camping in his car sounded. He grabbed his bags and chicken—making sure she was comfortable in her little chicken carrier—and used his stolen key to unlock the main office to get in the building. 

Shelia, the attendant on duty, barely glanced his way as he slipped into the lobby. Other than offering a simple “welcome back, Remus” as he passed, she didn’t even acknowledge his presence. She was far too used to his antics, half expecting him to pop in and out at random as he had when he’d lived closer. 

He almost missed breaking into Roman’s apartment, if only to see Shelia’s slowly fading reactions. He half-wondered if Shelia missed him too. 

_ Probably,  _ Remus thought to himself. She was the only woman he’d ever love.

And,  _ on the subject of love, _ as he entered the lobby he was confronted with the most handsome man he’d ever seen. The first thing that caught Remus’s eye were a pair of bright yellow gloves, perfectly matching his button-up shirt, covered by a simple black blazer. He wore a bow tie and a fedora-like hat that looked straight from the 40’s—or something. Mismatched eyes lingered on Remus’s as he took in the stranger’s elegant appearance. He had a confused look on his half-burned face that bordered on skeptical. The longer he stared at Remus, the more entrancing he felt. 

After what felt like too long and not long enough, the man’s befuddled expression shifted to something more composed. “Roman, how the hell did you and Virgil—”

“Oh! I’m not Roman,” Remus said with a grin that he hoped looked presentable. (Roman was always telling him that his smiles bordered on the more maniacal side of calming. Remus usually took that as a compliment but he really didn’t want to scare off this very handsome stranger.) “I’m his twin.” He held out a hand. “Remus.”

“How…  _ Charming.”  _ The handsome man sent him a forced smirk, ignoring his hand and turning back toward the stairwell. 

Remus followed  _ like a baby duckling that hadn’t yet been eaten by one of their many predators.  _ “So, how does someone as pretty as you know my brother?”

“I suppose you could say we have a mutual friend,” the man said tightly. 

Remus suppressed a snicker. The man sent him a challenging look. 

“Sorry, just—” Remus snorted— “You don’t seem like the type of person to be friends with Roman. His usual friends are a lot more...”

“Dramatic?” The man supplied. 

Remus nodded, holding open the door to the stairwell for his future husband. 

“Trust me, I agree,” The man said, giving him a small nod of thanks as they approached Roman’s apartment door. “But you can’t pick your friends.”

“I thought the expression said that you can’t pick your friend’s nose.” Remus said as he unlocked the door for them. (He was really glad that  _ Sexy McHotpants _ hadn’t questioned his thick ring of stolen keys. Some didn’t even have an explanation anymore—like the McDonald’s two blocks away from his and Roman’s old high school—while other’s—the 7/11 down the road from his house—had too-long stories  _ that Remus never remembered correctly.) _

Before anyone in the apartment could worry about potential thieves, Remus made sure to call out a dramatic: “Honeybear! Sugarpot! I’m home!” 

Three distinct gazes turned to him as his grin widened. 

“Remus!” Patton gasped. 

“Remus?” Roman asked. 

“Dee?” The third member’s attention was directed at the man beside Remus. (So his future husband’s name was Dee?  _ That was pretty sexy of him.) _

“What is going on?” Patton asked suddenly. He sounded overwhelmed. 

Remus felt a little bad—he knew he was a factor in this. Patton never really liked him. When they were growing up, he’d go out of his way to avoid Remus and unintentionally helped create a gap between him and Roman. Because Roman was the good twin so Remus was obviously the evil one, right? It wasn’t his fault he was impulsive and had thoughts he tried not to indulge in. 

At least he wasn’t Jeffery Dahmer.  _ (Though sex zombies did sound like a cool band name. Maybe he could bring it up with his band mates. They usually liked his weird ideas and they didn’t exactly have a name yet. Remus and the Sex Zombies didn’t have a bad ring to it.) _

The one that Remus still didn’t know—maybe this was the Virgil that Dee was talking about in the lobby?—put a gentle hand on Patton’s arm, curling up defensively between him and Remus. It was kind of adorable seeing as this new person was somehow shorter and baby-er than Patton—something Remus didn’t think was even possible until now. 

“That’s a wonderful question, Patton,” Dee said and Remus tried not to gape at his future husband turning on him. 

Under his breath, he let out a quiet: “Et tu, Brute?” That managed to soften Dee’s resolve slightly as he held back a laugh. The other three stayed frozen in place, however, awaiting an explanation. 

“I’ll tell you what’s going on if you have your bodyguard stand down,” Remus teased, hoping it would calm down the pointlessly tense air. 

The ‘bodyguard’ shuffled on his feet, seeming unsure of himself. 

Roman, finally, let out a long sigh and gestured for everyone to sit on the couch. And after a few uncomfortable seconds, they did. Remus sandwiched between his future husband and Roman. Beside Dee, the stranger (still only maybe Virgil) sat beside Patton, who stayed on the far end—probably trying to distance himself from Remus. 

When they were all seated, Remus let Penelope out and into his lap, much to Roman’s annoyance—though his brother didn’t say anything about it past a quick, peeved glance. 

“So!” Roman clapped his hands instead, letting out some of the nervous energy. They all seemed to have that. Remus wondered if they’d done cocaine before he got there. _ (Maybe if he asked, they would share.) _ “Why are you here, Reem?”

Remus dropped the cocaine concept to stare at Roman for a few seconds. He only broke their eye contact when he felt Penelope nipping at his finger. “I told you on the phone, Brohemian Rhapsody. I need somewhere to crash for the weekend.”

“What?” Roman asked. 

Patton sent Roman a look. It bordered on betrayal. It didn’t fit Patton.  _ (Wasn’t he supposed to be all sunshine and rainbows?) _ “Ro, why didn’t you mention something?”

“I didn’t even know this was happening,” Roman said simply and Remus tried not to feel offended. “When did I agree to this?”

“On the phone earlier,” Remus offered, starting to feel bored explaining himself.  _ (They probably hadn’t been doing cocaine. People on cocaine were more fun than this. He would know.) _

Roman tried to think about what he was talking about—which was probably rude when he’d said such a blatant ‘yes!’ on the line—and froze when he realized something. “It was when I was ignoring you.” He turned his gaze to Dee and maybe-Virgil. “When I found the holy water.”

“Holy water?” Remus felt a wave of excitement wash over him. “Sounds spicy. Were you having an exorcism without me?”

“Yes,” Dee said flatly, though Remus wasn’t entirely sure he was telling the truth.  _ (On one hand, mistrust could lead to serious problems in their future marriage. On the other, that ass though.)  _

“While I’m sure you—” Dee gestured between Roman, Patton and Remus— “Have issues to resolve, may we focus on the matter at hand?”

Roman looked between Remus and Dee, making exasperated noises to show that Remus wasn’t supposed to be here for this conversation. Remus didn’t really mind. He loved showing up where he wasn’t invited. _ (Like white people in America, except less sad.) _

Maybe-Virgil didn’t seem to mind Remus’s presence much though since he turned to Dee and said: “They called their nerd friend over to ‘access the situation.’ Based on last time, he should be here any—”

A knock at the door stole Penelope off of Remus’s lap. (Penelope was his favorite for many reasons. She was a real spitfire, full of energy, beautiful, intellegant. Remus always thought she had more dog in her than chicken. Was that even possible?  _ Fullmetal Alchemist did gene splice a little girl and a dog, so maybe…) _

“It’s open but beware the chicken!” Roman called, leaning back on the sofa and rubbing his hands over his eyes. 

The door opened cautiously, revealing a vanilla-looking nerd. Penelope sniffed out their new visitor before turning her head dramatically back toward the living room and rushing back into Remus’s lap. The nerd stared between the living room’s occupants, obviously trying to piece something together. 

When he didn’t come up with answers—or questions based on his floundering—Roman let out a sigh. “My brother and the ‘exorcist’ I tried to hire.”

“Ah.” The nerd nodded. 

Remus turned toward Dee. “An exorcist, huh? I’ve got some inner demons to deal with if you wanted to—”

Dee sent him a flat look at the uncreative line.  _ (Nice to know his man had standards.) _

Remus smirked, changing his tactics. “I have a possession in my pan—”

“Hey, Pumba,” Roman said, “Not in front of the kids.” 

He gestured to Patton and maybe-Virgil. Virgil sent him an unamused look, Patton looked mostly confused. 

“Could we address the matter at hand?” The nerd asked. 

Patton nodde, quickly refocusing. “Virgil can’t leave.”

“Isn’t that a bit  _ selfish _ to say, Pattycake?” Remus raised an eyebrow. 

Roman let out a long sigh. “Look, I’m just gonna do this like a band aid.” He looked around the room, awaiting someone to disagree. When no one did, he turned to Remus. 

“Those two—” he gestured to Dee and Virgil— “Are demons. I summoned him.” (Virgil.) “And hired him—” (Dee.)— “To exorcise him but then it turned out he was a demon too and now we’re trying to resolve the issue. Okay?”

Remus stared at his brother for a long second. He could sense everyone was on edge, waiting for his inevitable reaction. Instead of reacting, he turned to look at Dee, then Virgil, then Dee once again. 

“And I always thought hell was hot because of the fire,” he said with a smirk. 

When it was clear he wasn’t going to explode—or something. He wasn’t sure. Maybe they wanted him to murder someone? That sounded like a lot of work—they started thinking through possibilities why Virgil couldn’t leave. 

Needed a passport?  _ No. That made no sense. _

Had to kill the house’s inhabitants and take over?  _ No, Remus. Murder isn’t always the answer.  _

A glitch in the Matrix got pretty far before Dee shut it down. 

Remus was fresh out of ideas after a while and just started to listen in, petting Penelope’s feathers as they went.

“Have you tried teleporting out?” Roman asked. 

The look on Virgil’s face told them he hadn’t. With a quick shift in the air, Virgil vanished. (Remus was a little jealous he couldn’t do that himself. His trip time would be more than cut in half.) 

A clatter upstairs told them he didn’t get very far and within a few seconds he was back in his place on the couch. 

“Doesn’t work,” Virgil confirmed. 

Patton shifted in his seat. “Maybe it’s because the portals are down and this is the first place you appeared?”

Logan sighed. “While that makes some sense, he should be able to leave his—”

“Spawning location?” Roman offered. 

  
  


“For lack of a better word, yes. He should be able to leave where he… Spawned.” Logan agreed. “It has to be something else.”

“It’s kinda obvious, isn’t it?” Remus asked. No one else seemed to think it was. He let out a squeaky laugh. “For you to be stuck with a demon, you had to have made a deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote half of this backwards just to have remus get that last line and i’m not proud of it but i kinda like how it turned out 
> 
> let me know how you felt in the comments because i crave validation lol


	9. A Deal? For Real?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m still alive!!!
> 
> i’ve had some pretty bad writer’s block for this chapter but i literally just finished it so i’m posting because it’s been a hot minute
> 
> if you wanted to read some more of my sanders sides material (that i usually update between updates for this work) i’d recommend checking out [famILY](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23012527/chapters/55023334). it’s a bit more serious but i’m liking where it’s going so check that out if you’d like!!

“A deal?” Roman and Virgil repeated. They sounded equally astounded by Remus’s resolution. Patton didn’t blame them. When would they have made a deal? And why wouldn’t they have mentioned it if they had?

“I didn’t make any  _ deals,”  _ Roman insisted over Virgil’s: “You don’t understand how much effort goes into making deals.”

Patton saw Deceit roll his eyes, though the look softened slightly when he saw Virgil shift in his place. It was almost comforting that Virgil had Deceit as a calming presence. (It made Patton feel less bad about being no help through all the chaos, anyway.)

“Please.” Deceit cut off their bickering with the wave of his gloved hand. Roman had delved into Spanish and based on the excited look Remus had, his words weren’t the kindest.

Somehow, at the same time as Deceit’s hand, Roman’s reached up to cover his mouth. He seemed more shocked than offended by this turn of events. Deceit didn’t seem to care, swiftly turning his attention to the rest of the group, hand still raised to keep Roman’s in place. 

“Deals are easy,” he continued, “I could make one right now.”

“Would you mind?” Logan asked, gaining the group’s confused attention. “For scientific reasons, of course.”

“I suppose that couldn’t hurt,” Deceit said, releasing his hold on Roman. “Anything in mind?”

Remus perked up at that—which was barely a warning before he spoke. (Patton felt a little bad for bracing himself.) “Go on a date with me?”

“Would you really sell your soul and face eternal damnation for that?” Deceit raised an eyebrow. 

Patton heard Virgil snicker beside him, though that went mostly ignored by Deceit when Remus’s intense gaze lingered over him. Instead, Patton playfully nudged the younger demon, earning a small smile in return. It relieved some of the anxious energy in the room, making Patton’s shoulders feel lighter—like the day after exam week where there’s nothing left to do but wait.

“Would you be there?” Remus asked somewhat innocently. The unexplained chicken gave Deceit puppy dog eyes that Patton had never seen on a bird. It was kind of endearing, in a perfectly Remus way. 

Deceit seemed to decide that ignoring the question was the best course of action as he turned back to the rest of the group. “Deals don’t have to be a conscious thing. Some are entirely unspoken.”

“Wait,” Virgil fumbled with his words, sending a new wave of panic throughout the room. It felt like a book bag full of studying materials; like they were in a loop of taking final after final. Patton placed a gentle hand on his friend’s back, hoping to alleviate some of his rising anxiety. 

“Y—You don’t have to shake a hand to make a deal?” Virgil stuttered out. 

Deceit raised an eyebrow. “No. A handshake isn’t required.”

Roman and Virgil made concerned eye contact. In that moment, everyone else seemed to notice the next surge of nervous energy. Patton felt his stomach drop. 

Virgil took in a long breath. “I think we—”

“What kind of deal would we have made, Hot Topic?” Roman interrupted, obviously offended. 

“You think I’m hot?” Virgil forced himself to have some composure, a small smirk in place. (It felt wrong. His voice was still a little shaky.) “I thought you wanted me to get Lust for that.”

Roman sputtered dramatically. “That was an accident and you know it!”

“You were an accident,” Virgil argued back. 

“While statistically speaking, he is correct,” Logan interrupted, earning several more looks of confusion. “What? It’s technically true that one twin is unplanned—”

“It’s not nice to say,” Patton jumped in, sending Logan a look. 

Logan deflated a little at being cut off but gave Patton a short nod. “How about we focus on the issue at hand instead of this intense… Debate?”

“I have to agree,” Deceit said, “this bickering is getting us nowhere.”

Remus nodded, obviously trying to back up Deceit. “Yeah, all this pointing fingers bullshit is making both of you look guilty. In more ways than one.” He sent the duo a wink, making Virgil’s face flush while Roman rolled his eyes. 

Deceit did his little trick once again, effectively silencing Remus, who didn’t seem to mind it much. “We need to think. What interaction could have sparked a deal? It could be anything. You would just need Virgil to be involved.”

Roman and Virgil looked deep in thought, running through every scenario in their heads. Patton tried to think through what he remembered of their interactions. What Roman had told him, what Virgil had said, Logan’s little additions scattered throughout. None of it sparked anything. Nothing between Roman and Virgil, anyway. 

Suddenly, he felt Virgil’s eyes on him. Wide and full of something between realization and fear. His pupils shrunk into slits, reminding Patton more of a cat than the demon sitting beside him. 

Patton tried to understand the surge of emotions being pushed his way. The fear, the understanding, the anxiety. Then, he realized something. 

They were looking at this all wrong. The deal wasn’t between Roman and Virgil. It was—

“It’s my fault,” Patton said suddenly, almost shocked by his own words. 

The rest of the room turned their attention to him. 

Logan’s eyes were analyzing—trying to solve a problem without a solution. Deceit’s short stare said that he already knew, like he was waiting for them to piece it together themselves. Remus’s expression didn’t… fit really. He looked excited, almost. 

And Roman… Roman looked shocked, almost like he couldn’t believe Patton could betray him like this. Was this betrayal? Patton felt his stomach tying itself in knots. 

“I was—We were…” Patton felt tears coming to his own eyes. He couldn’t tell if the pressure in his chest was coming from Virgil or not. “I’m sorry, Roman. Virgil. I’m—I didn’t think…”

“Yeah, you didn’t think, Patton!” Roman stood suddenly. “And we’ll be stuck with Charlie Frown for who knows how long—”

“Roman?” Virgil interrupted, “You're not helping.”

“We don’t even know if that’s entirely true,” Deceit said with a growing smirk. “What was the deal you made?”

Patton looked down at his hands in his lap, picking at a loose thread on his sweater. No one said anything for a minute, obviously waiting for an explanation. Patton wasn’t sure that he had one. 

“I was just hoping… That if Virgil got stuck here, Roman would let him stay,” Patton confessed, finally looking up to face his consequences. “Because I liked having him around.”

Deceit let out a long sigh, dropping his hands dramatically. “Well… Until Hell gets its shit together so we can cancel your contract, it looks like that’s what’s happening.”

“What?” Patton, Roman, and Virgil all said at once. Patton felt lost, Roman sounded mad, Virgil seemed… Confused. 

“Looks like we’ll all be roommates!” Remus announced (and Patton has forgotten it was Deceit’s strange power that was keeping him quiet.) “I really hope this doesn’t affect me staying here. Penelope is a total drama queen and refuses to sleep in the car.” His gaze shifted to Deceit slowly. “Although, I suppose I could make other sleeping arrangements.”

At that, Deceit stood, a hint of blush on his otherwise composed face. “I’m afraid I have to get going. I have other jobs to do and I’ve really done all I can for you.”

Virgil sent him a hopeless look, almost begging him to stay. Deceit sent back something Patton didn’t understand, but Virgil simply nodded. 

“Um. Let me show you out,” Virgil said, standing up and heading towards the door. 

“I suppose my work here is done as well,” Logan said, giving Penelope a wary look as he followed the demonic duo to the door. 

If Patton were in a better state of mind, he’d show them out himself. He liked to think he was a good host. But, then again, good hosts didn’t trap their guests. Good hosts didn’t accidentally make deals with their friends. Maybe Patton wasn’t good. Maybe he was—

“You think I came on too strong?” Remus asked, pulling Patton out of his self pity. 

Roman snorted, a refreshing sound after his seething. 

Virgil had rejoined them, and by the looks of it, the question was for him. “Uh. I don’t think you stood a chance.”

Remus’s jaw dropped dramatically. Roman let out a hearty laugh. Patton felt himself giggling a little even. 

“You know what?” Remus stood, adjusting his hold on Penelope. “I don’t have to stand for this. Penelope, pack your things. We’re leaving.”

As he started towards the door, Roman called after him: “Where are you gonna go? You don’t have anywhere else to stay!”

Virgil snorted, reclaiming his seat beside Patton as the two brothers playfully fought. He shifted to lean on Patton’s shoulder comfortingly. 

And despite the touch of anxiousness still lingering in the air, and their currently unsolvable issue, everything felt like it was gonna be just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are appreciated more than you can imagine!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Come bully me on [Tumblr](https://w3dn3sd4y.tumblr.com/).


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